Letters From a Nut

[DrunkN]

has anyone read any of these books? I just wanted to share a little about them but I can't seem to review anything other than games, so I'll just put it here. The letters from Letters From a Nut were written by Ted L. Nancy, and the book was organized by Jerry Seinfeld. One of the letters reads;

Dear Ralph's

I recently bought a sponge from you. When I got home I used my sponge then went to sleep. I put my sponge on the kitchen sink. The next morning when I woke up that sponge was in the bedroom with me? How did it get there?

Another time I was just sitting in the living room reading when I looked down. I noticed that that sponge was right by my feet. How did it get there?

I took that sponge and locked it in a room. All night I heard banging. That sponge wanted to get out! But I wouldn't let it in. I want to talk to somebody there about the possibility that my sponge is haunted. Who can I talk to?

I am a normal person, no history of paranormalcy, although I once had a problem with my Clorox moving from my hallway to my family room.

I admire Ralph's because they go out of their way to help their customers. I am a long time shopper at your stores. Now I need help. Should I send this sponge to you? Or should I just go back to the store and get a new one and send you the receipt? Thanks for answering me.

Sincerely
-Ted L. Nancy

He really sends all of the letters he writes, and usually he even gets a letter back.

[sezthemank]

That sounds like a quite interesting and funny book.
Where can i buy it?

[DrunkN]

Sorry to necro bump this topic, but I got around to rereading the series again and I had to share this.

Business Permits
CITY OF LONG BEACH
333 W. Ocean Blvd.
Long Beach, CA 90802



Dear Business Permits Dept.:

I need to get a business permit from you to operate my SUMO VAN in the city of Long Beach. I am moving there soon.

My Sumo Van operates like this: My van stops, the doors slide open, and two 500 pound sumo wrestlers each slap their belly against the other. They grunt and groand and break into a sweat while an audience watches. Everyone loves it!

I charge $5.50 a person. This is good family entertainment. It is something to see, these big wrestlers wearing their tiny sumo lap clothes slapping each othe around with their big stomachs. They really go at it. Dogs bark.

Please tell me how I go about getting a permit to operate my Sumo Van on your city streets? I may place 16 vans around your city roaming up and down the streets. At its height, I could have 32 sumo wrestlers belly bumping each other with their girth. Thank you.

Sincerely
-Ted L. Nancy

[Dudebro]

I would totally pay $5.50 to watch a sumo van performance. Any word on a follow up letter?

[DrunkN]

The letter back was fairly generic and wrote;

Dear Mr. Nancy:

Thank you for your letter dated September 27, 1996, regarding your interest in establishing a sumo wrestling van business in the City of Long Beach. Unfortunately the type of business activity you wish to establish is not permitted on public streets in Long Beach. Should you wish to establish a fixed location to promote sumo wrestling, you must first obtain zoning approval from the Planning and Building Department. You would also be required to obtain City Council approval to conduct any wrestling event in the City of Long Beach.

Sincerely,
PATTY HEINTZELMEN

[Dudebro]

Well at least they were nice about it.

[DrunkN]

This and the last one are from my least favorite one in the series but they are still great.

This one has been shortened a bit

Dear Wedding Planner,

My intended wife an I want to be married at your chapel on September 29, 1996.

We have a fantasy. We want to consummate our marriage in the chapel office immediately after the wedding ceremony. We will be in there for approximately 45 minutes, maybe an hour.

We will only touch your desk, couch (or 2 chairs), and, of course, the floor. We are clean people, no diseases. We will not leave any mess in your office and we WILL put a down a plastic protective spalsh over your desk, couch, etc. Nothing will be messed.....

...Sincerely,
Ted L. Nancy

[GameDoy]

Originally Posted by drunkninja

This and the last one are from my least favorite one in the series but they are still great.

This one has been shortened a bit

I'd like to see a priest agree to that.