Nimbotix - a story Tails is making, feedback is highly appreciated

[Tails]

i think the last thing i read that inerested me was the Megaman Zero manga online or the FMA manga. Its always been a hobby of mine to write when i had nothing to do at school, i always finished early on stuff

[Dudebro]

See that's what I was talking about. Looks like your exposure to literature is limited to anime style writing pretty much. I'm not saying that's bad though. If that's what interests you then more power to you.
You said you liked Mythology in school. Those stories are pretty cool imo. I can't think of any I didn't like. You can find versions of the stories that are updated and modernized. I personally don't like reading confusing old english.

I just realized something else about what you wrote. It reads like a movie script or a court transcript. Alot of "he said this to her". "She said this." ect
If you look at most styles of writing they break up the talking with setting and background stuff. It helps you immerse yourself in the story and feel something for the characters.

But like I said before, I read alot of long detailed stories so my opinion might not help you. I'm not trying to insult anime/manga/comics, I actually like to read them too. I just prefer bigger stories.

[Tails]

OOC: my mom fixed my power for my laptop until we can return the cord (its a manufacturer problem with it, the way its cracked) so yay

Yeah, im used to watching a background (such as a picture of a school and they talk) so i appreciate your help.

Yeah, Mythology rocks, Literature such as Macbeth, Beowulf suck. Just lil fact of the Megaman ZX series, most of the people are named by Mythology guys.

Atlas holder of Model F, Atlas is the one who was punished to hold the world when he tried to break out of hell.

Prometheus like i already explained hes more of a grim reaper in Megaman ZX

Pandora is the sister of prometheus in the game, and of course everyone knows Pandora box.

Thetis the aunt of Zeus is actually a male who controls Model L in the ZX series.

I guess thats why Megaman ZX is my favroite series, try it, Dudebro.

Yeah, see above about movie transcript, i kinda perfer them over manga..

your oppinion helps greatly, thanks for the help

[oasis]

I kind of agree with dudebro in that the story sounds forced. I’m sure this is because you’re making it up as you go which is fine that’s why they call it a rough draft. I say finish your story before you change anything. That way you will at least have your whole idea on paper from start to finish. Then after you get all your chapters done go back and start rephrasing lines and making them clearer. Then after all the dialogue is finished. Go back and add scenery through descriptive paragraphs this will keep the reader entertained while setting the background so we know what’s happening.

If hiro and dudebro fight in a dirty ally there are some questions.

You could say dirty ally and leave it at that or you can go into more detail.

Why is it dirty? Was it just raining and all the scum from the roof tops and walls have started to run down into the street?
Is there a old garbage bin filled with the Chinese shop's food that has been rotting over a week and flies are flying around
Is there the ally cat that was watching you and dude bro walk up and then meow and run away
Are there rats in the street?

things like that will give more depth to your story but its not needed until you know from beginning to end what your story is about.

[Timber Wolf]

Originally Posted by Tails

3 A's and 1 D (how i hate Mythology and world literature)

thats why i thought you didnt like mythology
lol even through the critisism you can tell most of us like it so far
...but one thing nags me, no one wants to be the lame character, but someone is eventually gonna be lame, isnt there? If their isnt thats cool, but, i'm NOT volunteering for it,is there gonna be a lame person?

7."So let it be written,
So let it be done,
To kill the First Born Pharoh's Son,
I'm Creeping Death!"
3."Take a look, to the sky just before you Die, It's thee last time You will!
Blackend roar, Massive roar, Fills the crumbling sky, Shattered goal, Fills a soul with a Ruthless Cry"

[Tails]

yeah im glad you guys do, this is the only site ive actually put it one since i would just get laughter at others.

The lame character, it never really occurred to me who would be it. So right now in my oppinion i have no lame characters coming, maybe one but dunno who it should be.

[Timber Wolf]

lol, no lame character would be fine with most of us im sure, lol, well there is always the cool character that is lame in certain ways, like Creeping Death(Angel of Death), for example, it, goes around killing the first born males, and is all badass sounding and is feared, but, depending on if you read the book its in or the song about it, it either has no form, or is a cloud of green, lol ooohhh no its a... its a .... cloud? lol