Don't take this the wrong way but the way you're writing seems forced. Like you're borrowing heavily from another story(anime I'm sure). The only way to really understand what you're doing wrong is to see examples I think. I suggest you read a good book or parts of it. I'm not saying copy how someone else does it but just get ideas, you know?
All that being said, I'm no expert on this kind of thing at alll. But I do read alot of books and this style of writing doesn't appeal to me. But, I don't mind since I'm the bad guy. Also you called me handsome.
Btw, you don't like Mythology? What's wrong with you? Maybe read some of those stories for ideas, they were usually very well written.