[Dudebro]

Sorry I didn't notice this before, maybe change the title so people know what it is.
I'm kinda tired so I can't think well at the moment.

One thing I noticed right away was at the end of every sentence you add a descriptive statement or a way of linking the words with a character. I don't know if that's on purpose but it's very distracting to me. It makes it seem forced. You need a better way of setting up your backgrounds and environments.

Like I said I'm tired, all I can think of at the moment, I don't wanna sound too stupid. Maybe you should read Joemans Text Ruins and get some ideas although his is told in first person.

Also, like NinjaTiamat said, don't make me lame.